Something Personal

I saw Jesus at the beach.

He was standing there while me, a 4-year-old-version-of-me, was approaching Him with a lunchbox on my hands.

When I finally stood before Him, I opened my lunchbox. There were 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. And I remember vividly how I stared at my lunchbox worriedly while asking Him,

“Is this enough?”

He smiled, as if I was asking Him something funny, and replied,

“It’s enough. It’s always been enough.”

***

I know why I had that vision.

These past few months, I have been struggling with this feeling I’ve never had before.

That I am not enough. Not good enough. Never enough. At work. In my relationships. Anytime. Anywhere.

I have been having this pressure that I could have been better, that if only I tried harder… until I reached a point where I just don’t care anymore, and let life goes on.

But this feeling still lies within, like a time bomb ticking, you just need to wait for it to explode.

Jesus knows. He always does. And He gave me the chance to just let it all out.

He wanted me to know, that whatever I have done, even though others might not feel the same, even though I don’t feel like it is… for Him it’s enough. It’s always enough. I’m always enough.

But why I saw a 4-year-old-version-of-me, that remains a mystery.

***

A friend of mine is struggling at this moment either. She has been juggling with work, study (she’s taking Master in Business Management), her need to find a new house, and not to mention financial issues.

She is currently sharing a room with 2 other girls, and she found it hard to study due to the noise. But, to rent a room on her own would cause her a fortune. So she’s trying to just keep up with it, while keeping a desire to have a room for her own. She never revealed this to anyone, as she is afraid to be judged for wanting too much 😦

But of course, God knows.

She and her housemates finally found a mansionette (two storeys) apartment, where she will be sharing a room with another girl. Her housemates told her that any household activities (gathering, cooking, etc) will be done on the first story, so it won’t disturb her if she needs to study in her room, which located at the second storey. And what’s even better? The room rental fee are shared equally and it’s within her budget.

She told me, “When God answers prayers, it’s always very personal. You’ll know that it’s for you. And because you never shared the concern to anyone, you’ll know that He is able to answer in such way because He knows you.”

***

At that moment, I know why I saw a 4-year-old-version-of-me in my vision.

My mom gave birth to my brother when I was 4 year old. From that day on, I have to shared my parents’ love, time, and attention with him. Not that I hate my bro (I love him soooo much, trust me! 😚), but his birth has surely brought changes into my life.

The 4-year-old-version-of-me, was the worry-and-jealousy-free version of me. The carefree and “whole” version of me, because I know I have everything I want, everything I need. The I-have-nothing-to-worry-about-tomorrow version of me.

And God wants me to be that version of me again.

That other than I’m always enough for Him, He wants me to have no worry, to rely on Him, and be whole.

I am never aware of this. This is my blind spot. But God knows, and He wants me to know.

Indeed, when God answers prayers, it’s always been very personal.

You’ll know that it’s for you. You’ll know that He knows you. Every fibre of your being, every single desire.

And knowing that, you’ll have nothing to worry over tomorrow.

***

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, here’s the 4-year-old-version-of-me looks like. And I’ve told you that I love my bro, right? Otherwise I wouldn’t carry him. HAHA.

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